“Shut the fuck up Zuckerberg”

A friend told me on IM a couple of days ago that he somewhat felt that Steve Jobs inviting Mark Zuckerberg to his house for dinner and discussing Ping integration on Facebook was really sad: Here was a guy who revolutionized the personal computer era having to bend over backwards for a 25 years old kid.

But I don’t see it like that at all. For me, that night played-out in a completely different way:

FADE IN.

INTERIOR - STEVE JOBS’S HOUSE - NIGHT, DINNER TIME.

Wide shot shows both Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg sitting on comfortable, early 20th century modernist chairs.

Steve gets up and serves tea for Mark.

STEVE

You’re gonna love this tea, Mark. It’s picked specially for me from a mountain in Tibet by 10 years old Buddhist monks as part of their services for the temple. It was on that mountain where I smoked opium for the first time. It was a wonderful experience. Have you ever smoked opium, Mark?

MARK

Humm… no. I… humm. I have smoked weed.

STEVE

Weed is nice, when you’re a teenager. I’ll be sure to get you some opium, you’ll like it.

MARK

There’s… there’s no need.

STEVE

I insist. Have you seen the iPad 2? I have one right here, we’ll be commercializing it by January. It’s really great. 30% thinner and lighter AND with longer battery. And a front-facing camera for Facetime, of course.

(Steve gets the iPad 2 from a desk at a corner and gives it to Mark)

MARK

It’s lovely. I love my iPad, you know?

STEVE

Of course you do. Keep that one, please. The next time you’re here I just have to show you Jony Ive’s plans for the iCar. They’re just absolutely wonderful: completely electrical, of course, unibody design, multitouch surfaces and total integration with our future iPhones.

MARK

I would love to see it!

STEVE (smiling warmly)

Yes, yes. I can kill you, you know that.

MARK

…What?

STEVE

Kill you. You and your family. Everybody who you love. And nobody would know.

MARK

I’m sorry, I… I’m not following.

STEVE

Shut the fuck up Zuckerberg. You know who I am. I invented the personal computer. I revolutionized the music industry and I’m doing it again for the TV and movie industry. I can obliterate your existence.

You keep having fun with that little Facebook of yours. Playing with your farm or whatever-the-fuck you do in it. Make lots of money off it, but know your place. Don’t go swimming on the big-boys pool or you might just drown.

MARK

Steve, I don’t know what you’re…

STEVE

I told you to shut the fuck up. You have no idea, do you? The whole Microsoft vs Apple thing? All bullshit. Bill and I have it all figured out. We know how to play the game. Same with Schmidt. We’re in all of this together. And every little cunt out there keeps barking “Mac vs Windows” or “iPhone vs Android”, and we just keep getting richer off them.

You see: we’re beyond Silicon Valley. We’re beyond billionaires. We’re bigger than Obama, bigger than Exxon. We own them.

(Steve stands up and get’s behind Zuckerberg’s chair, hands in his shoulders)

STEVE

I’ve been to the meetings, Mark. The ones with the really important people in it. The really secret ones. You think you’ve been to elite parties? You don’t have a clue. I’ve been to places that would make the orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut look tame by comparison. I’ve seen things that would change you.

(Steve sits back on his chair and picks up his tea)

STEVE

So go along your merry way. Think about making Ping work with Facebook. Or don’t, we don’t really care. But you play nice. Play nice and good things might come your way. But just remember what I’ve told you. And don’t try to fuck me, Mark. Don’t.

(Mark get’s up, picks up his jacket and leaves. Steve takes a sip from his tea.)

FADE OUT.